⚠️ Urgent Internal Memo

The Unbearable Consequences
of Not Hiring Anna Thundergun

A 90-Day Risk Assessment for the Entire C-Suite
(Yes, Even Legal. Especially Legal.)

The universe doesn't punish you for not hiring great talent. It simply gives you the experience of finding out what your competitors do with them instead.

— Ancient Proverb (Updated for Q1 2026)

💊

Side Effects (By Role)

CEO
Sudden onset of "why is our CAC going up?" syndrome
Symptoms include: staring at dashboards, sighing loudly in all-hands meetings, and Googling "how to scale DTC brand without spending more money" at 2am.
"We had someone who scaled a supplement brand from $0 to $1.4M/month and we said... no?"
CMO
Chronic brief fatigue and creative strategist turnover
You'll hire three junior strategists instead. They'll each last four months. You'll spend more on recruiting than you would have on Anna's salary. The irony will not be lost on you.
"She managed 8 campaigns simultaneously for Tony Robbins. EIGHT. We have... two."
CFO
Recurring nightmares about competitor fundraising announcements
You'll wake up in cold sweats wondering if AG1 just poached her. They didn't. She went to that sparkling water brand. The one that's now everywhere. That could have been you.
"$125K-$150K for someone who's generated $190M+ annually? That's not an expense. That's arbitrage."
CTO
Unexpected requests to "just build an AI that writes hooks"
The CMO will ask you this by Day 47. You will explain, again, that ChatGPT cannot replace someone who's actually run 1,000+ creatives through real performance data. They will nod. They will ask again on Day 62.
"She literally integrated AI workflows at Tony Robbins. She IS the prompt engineer you're looking for."
CCO
Existential brand voice crisis
Your creative will slowly become... generic. The bear puns will get lazy. "Beary good" will appear unironically in 14 consecutive ads. The magic will fade. Not all at once. Just slowly. Unbearably slowly.
"She built a landing page mocking our own creative at 4am just to APPLY. Imagine what she'd do if we paid her."
LEGAL
Increased exposure to "well, the other brand did it" arguments
Without a strategist who understands compliant creative at scale, you'll spend more time reviewing problematic copy and less time doing whatever it is legal teams do for fun. (Contracts? Is it contracts?)
"She's worked in supplements for years. She knows what you can't say. That's half your job done."
INTERNS
Loss of the one person who actually answers Slack with real strategy
You will continue asking questions in the creative channel. You will continue receiving "let's circle back" and "great question, adding to the backlog." You will continue wondering if this is all there is.
"She literally teaches people how to do this. FOR FREE. What are we doing."
🐻 We interrupt this memo to remind you: this is getting unbearable. 🐻
📅

The 90-Day Decline

Day 1
You pass on Anna. "Great candidate, but let's see who else is out there."
Narrator: There was no one else out there.
Day 14
The other candidates don't understand supplement marketing.
One of them asks what "nCAC" means. In the final interview.
Day 30
You hire someone. They seem fine.
"Fine" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.
Day 45
Creative performance starts slipping. "Probably just the algorithm."
It was not the algorithm.
Day 60
You see Anna's LinkedIn. She's posted a case study. For a competitor.
Their CAC dropped 30%. Yours went up. The simulation is not being subtle.
Day 75
The new hire gives notice. "It's not you, it's me."
It was you. It was always you.
Day 90
You're back on LinkedIn. Looking for a Creative Strategist.
Anna's not available anymore. She's in Scottsdale. Scaling something. Thriving.

"The best time to hire Anna Thundergun was when you first saw her application. The second best time is before your competitor does."

— Confucius, probably

Important Safety Information
WARNINGS: Not hiring Anna Thundergun may cause prolonged exposure to mediocre creative, increased dependency on "best practices" that stopped working in 2023, and acute FOMO when you see her work for literally anyone else. CONTRAINDICATIONS: Do not pass on this candidate if you are currently experiencing growth plateaus, creative fatigue, or the recurring thought "we need someone who's actually done this before." DRUG INTERACTIONS: May interact poorly with your existing culture if that culture is "we've always done it this way." OVERDOSE: Not possible. You cannot have too much strategic clarity. SIDE EFFECTS IN CLINICAL TRIALS: In 100% of companies that hired Anna, leadership reported symptoms including "finally understanding what's working," "campaigns that scale," and "not dreading creative reviews anymore." ASK YOUR BOARD IF ANNA IS RIGHT FOR YOU.

"You miss 100% of the strategists you don't hire."

— Wayne Gretzky — Michael Scott — Anna Thundergun's Application

🍯 Look, we've milked these bear puns dry. You know what to do. 🍯
The Antidote Is Simple
Hire the strategist. Fill the gap. Stop the symptoms.
💚 See Full Application

I can be in New York tonight. Let's make 2026 unbearably good.
— Anna Thundergun, Creative Strategist, Ingredient #61

This memo was written at an unreasonable hour by someone who really wants this job.
If this made you laugh, imagine what I'll do when you actually pay me.

annathundergun@aol.com · LinkedIn · ingredient61.com

🐻 Made with chaotic good energy. No bears were harmed in the making of this application.